some things never change

so i'm sure you're convinced that in the year since i last posted regularly i've been off being glamorous, doing things like:

• bathing only in heated pools of fiji brand water
• wearing only things that have been hand-sewn and beaded for me by tiny elves living deep in a mushroom forest
  
• dating fabulous men who appreciate me and treat me with respect
  
• having my bones replaced with adamantium
• training my cats to fetch my pills

only one of these things is actually true. i'm guessing you know which one.

anyways, the truth is this. i actually HAVE been off being glamorous. i always sort of thought my life would be amazing and i would get to dress up in great outfits and bigtallshoes and have fancy hair and makeup and ridiculous eyelashes and then i'd go out to parties and bars and restaurants and for a long time this was all just a sort of disorganized fantasy i almost didn't even know i was having... and then i realized one day i was doing it. i'm living the life i always played out with my barbies, except with slightly more booze (slightly meaning hand over the vodka or i will likely end up in prison for your brutal front-page murder) and significantly less sex. it was fucking melrose place in my barbie beach house.

the point of all this is that I AM FABULOUS. and yet.

so remember when i got smooshed in my car? smooshed like grape! so it's now two plus years later and i finally got my bills paid. the check arrived and after i had rubbed it all over my naked body parts i cashed it... then i was going to rub all those bills all over my naked body parts but i remembered money is kind of dirty and also i am kind of neurotic and then i thought about that for while because i sort of got preoccupied with the idea of all the itsybitsy germies and all the hands that have touched each dollar and did you know that more often than not a man doesn't wash his hands and so every time you touch a doorknob or a dollar you are pretty much covered in second-hand wang? anyways, i paid off some debt.

then i bought a dyson.

that's right. glamorous sparkly impeccably-dressed me spent my "free money" on a vacuum cleaner. AND IT IS GLORIOUS. when i first held it and ran it across my carpeted floor i was breathless with its magnificent power. if it were a human, i would have sexed it on the spot. it wasn't until i looked at all the cat fur stuck in its container that i realized i was living in squalor. but really, once i was done shaving the cats i felt better. they didn't mind too much. i only lost one eye.

so the dyson is amazing and i love it and i would gladly have its unusually heavy but aesthetically-pleasing yellow babies. it is because of this fact that i can relate the following: like most canister vacuums, the dyson is not terribly easy to empty in a seamlessly clean manner. there's always dust flare up, which irritates both my eyes and my ungodly OCD. so i just carry the canister right down to the dumpster and let the dust flare up into the great big gray sky of los angeles, where it clearly belongs.

it was just such a moment, this past sunday, after having vacuumed all the many metric tonnes of discarded cat and sequins and glitter from my floors (and couches, because hot damn if that dyson doesn't have a sweet-ass hand attachment) that i found myself in a predicament. in a moment of sheer... well, sheer me... i dropped the canister right to the bottom of that foul and most-wretched stinkbox.

and because i love that GODDAMNED dyson so fucking much you better believe i hoisted myself into that dumpster, my legs flailing like party streamers in the air, just to get it back out.

i risked my life for a vacuum cleaner. the force is strong with this one... if by force you mean "neuroses" or "issues" or "just plain crazy." which of course, if you know me at all, you probably do.

i've gone public.

it's been a year i think since i went private, and in that year i've posted very very little. i'm not sure if i will post more this way or if i will start over but i'm tired of this little niche i carved for myself being cut off from the world.

i'm proud of what i created here, so i'm unleashing it upon you once again.

please enjoy, with a side of photos from my victory at viva las vegas.

i totally won.

i have no pictures, but when i find them, they're yours!

oh by the way....

if anyone cares, i didn't get in to viva. i came in seventh, and the top six get to go.

but then number six dropped out... so i'm currently building a giant collapsible birdcage to trek on over to the gold coast hotel and casino come april 12th!

wish me luck!

(unrelated, i'm considering a new blog, non-private, under a new name. thoughts?)

Voting January 1 - 31

CLICK TO GO TO THE VOTING PAGE!!

i'm in the tenth row, on the left. you can vote once per IP Address. if you have access to more than one, please use them! also, feel free to repost this banner!!! (i might make a better one tomorrow.)

i am a busy busy bee

oh hai people! i's still alive.

i've been mighty busy with burlesque shows and work and costuming etc etc, and my birthday is this weekend so i'm sure i'll be up to my eyeballs in vodka drinks, but i wanted to show you something.

photos from my recent shoot with Betty C, a local photographer. these are the un-retouched straight out of the camera shots. YAY ME!

burlesque!

presenting... my debut. the costume has now been upgraded- as have my moves, so this isn't really an accurate depiction, but you get the idea.

i have done two different numbers, performed many times, including in a show at the amazing sunset junction. i'm currently costuming for an upcoming halloween photoshoot and a number that involves delivering the news... but since all talk and no boobie pics makes jack a dull boy, here are some things for your delight.

interviewed by yournamehere

5. Besides family and friends, what do you miss most about the east coast?

food, glorious food! suppertime! there are foods there i can't get here (dunkin donuts, delicious seafood like maine lobster and fried clams, kelly's roast beef), and really, besides the family and friends, what else is there????


4. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

oh geez. are we talking physical or otherwise? i'm a very logical kind of girl, so i've given this question a good deal of thought. physically speaking, i would change the one thing that bothers me most, because the other things i could technically change through something i hear is called "diet and exercise." so the physical change i would make in myself- i would have magic hair (head and body) that would grow in the areas and to the length i decided. if we're talking non-physical, well there are two things. i would like to be more assertive and more patient, with myself and others. but i'm working on both.



3. Which is your favorite neighborhood or area of Los Angeles?

wow, this is hard. i love so many things about LA. chinatown is great, i love the metro stations there that look like pagodas. the venice canals/beaches are gorgeous. fairfax is a good place to hangout because it's fairly central and not scary. (that's a bad reason to like an area, isn't it?) i feel like there are so many things in LA i've not seen that i can't make an educated decision. there are things to value just about everywhere... for instance: dollar taco stands. wherever the tacos are is my favorite part of LA.


2. Do you have a personal role model?

that's an excellent question. i don't think i have one person in particular that i look to as an example, but more so aspects of many people that i admire and hope to cultivate in myself. some of those people are reading this right now, i'd imagine.


1. Who is the douchiest celebrity you've seen out in public?

i've not seen that many celebrities, to be honest. i don't hang around the right places. i met drusilla from buffy and she was very kind and even wrote my mom a note. (mom's a big fan.) most of the douchey people i know are just regular. sorry.


i'm supposed to offer to interview you now, but really, i won't do that. so if you have any questions you'd like to ask me, feel free. i will answer them.

yes, we have no strawberries.

because i am trying to be honest with myself about this on all counts, i will write it out here: i did better this time. i should be proud of that.

while i obviously still screwed it up by choosing to be interested in someone who was either truly unavailable or just not willing to be more so (and i'll never really know which), at least in other respects he was a good man.

and while i know i should just let it go, i find myself still sadly hoping.

because of that, i will not be pursuing anything else- not that i was before anyways. he came as a complete surprise... but i think i need to devote more time to me, so that maybe when i meet someone in the future, i'll do even better.


in other news, in addition to the massive amounts of travel i had already planned on logging in this summer (two trips to SF, a trip to san diego, and an early autumn visit to AZ) i apparently will be flying cross country to attend a barbecue with strangers, because that's the kind of girl i am. you know, the kind who will fly over 2000 miles to distract herself... and to reclaim her life and her joy in being alone.

those strawberries were delicious though, while i had them.

dear blog:

you should have a seat, sugar. this could take a while. i'm just going to type and see where we end up.

"all my friends say that of course it's gonna get better..."

it's been nearly a month, and a really wonderful month it's been. to be fair, my life has been nothing but lovely since the moment i struck out on my own. i meant it when i said i loved it here in LA- i have a beautiful life and i sometimes get quiet for a moment just to appreciate it. that's what happened on the fourth of july, when ariel said i was awfully quiet- i was just appreciating the lucky way things fall together sometimes, that allow a person to spend a whole day off talking and making pretty objects with a good friend... and how that's a certain type of independence that should also be celebrated, but daily.

and because i have enjoyed being a free agent as it were, and because i had no intention of having more than a passing interest in a man, scoundrel or no... of course the worst has happened.

i have spent much of the last month planning for my burlesque debut (which went well, pictures soon i hope) and in the company of a certain gentleman. it's all very strange i think. the first time i met him, we got on well enough but there was nothing romantic of which to speak. the second time though, something had shifted. perhaps he revealed another aspect of his personality- perhaps i realized i wanted something other than what i had thought. either way, we flirted a bit and then a bit more.

and here it is- a month later- and i have found myself at a point i do not enjoy. since you are private now, blog, i feel i can say this without polish, without thinking, without worry.

i like him, and i do believe he likes me. NOW WHAT?

fuck.

he's currently on "hiatus" from a very time-consuming job, which is great- but what of when he returns to work and suddenly has no time? he's been nothing but honest about this eventuality... and i appreciate that... but what the hell do i do with that information? what do i do when he says, "yes, i'm busy, i don't know that i will have time, but you, you're beautiful, you're wonderful, i want you to stay tonight."

what now?

do i continue to see him? do i break it off? i don't want to struggle for someone's attention. i don't want to be a beck and call girl to anyone. i want to be a priority. i know he wants to spend time with me, but if he has none, what good does that desire do me?

if i went to the supermarket with the intention of buying strawberries and they would give me none, would i care if it were because they had none or if it were because they just didn't want to? either way, i would leave without any.

so the question is this: do i hold out for strawberries even though they might be few and far between? or do i try other fruits, of which i'm sure some might be good, even though they're not really what i want, not at all, not even a little bit?


*EDIT*: strawberries do not demand fruit choice exclusivity... however, i don't really do fruit salad... i don't like to mix foods, especially when one is something i enjoy so fully.