May 30, 2006
vh1 is my metal lover

has anyone else noticed that sebastian bach is like a medical anomaly? his body is normal looking when he's the only one in the frame, but you stick him next to some other guy and his limbs are FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

i've really been enjoying metal month on vh1 and will be sad when metal goes away again for another fourteen years. supergroup is pretty awesome to watch- they recorded a demo of a song that was actually pretty catchy (except for the lyrics, which i'm pretty sure they stole from me in 1991- yes, i was eleven) and let sebastian spend an evening alone with it. just the song, sebastian and his girl mouth. and probably leather pants. either way, they were surprised when someone then told them it sounded like it was from 1982.

i know i personally find it shocking.

either way, for those of you who either have no vh1 or who did not have the foresight to watch such a show (and, please, don't tell me if this is the case. i don't want to have to judge you.), let me give you the character summation.

jason bonham:
seems nice enough. vaguely british. Boy was joking that everyone on this show is washed up- that they don't play anymore and used to support his argument that the bonham drums for foreigner. mostly i wouldn't notice if he wasn't on the show. i'm waiting for him to change that though, when the nuge gets out of control and bonham jabs a drumstick in his eye. and since he's british, it will be done with aplomb.

scott ian: he's in the band anthrax, and pretty much rocks my world.
[aside:] i have decided that henry rollins might be the most perfect man to walk the earth. he writes poetry and sings in a punk rock band and could beat the crap out of all y'all motherfuckers. but he wouldn't, because he is a sensitive band geek and i enjoy that.[/aside]
anyway, scott ian is so genuinely excited about meeting the nuge (i understand that "uncle ted" is a pioneer, but still... ick) that i just want to pinch his cheeks and squish his face. and when the band starts to choke on its own ego, who would have thought that this guy would be the voice of reason? or that he'd be married to meatloaf's daughter?

ted nugent: seriously. this show has TED MOTHERFUCKING NUGENT. when not sermonizing about his own greatness and massive rockitude, he continually harasses "danushka," the blonde chippee they hired to cook for the band. i am rather shocked to admit this, but he is not the most annoying person on the show. i will let the bonham do away with him, whilst i busy myself making plans for the remaining two.

sebastian bach: what a tool. cut your hair, wash off your makeup and shut the hell up. also, put on some sunblock. i'm watching you become a malignant carcinoma over the course of one episode. did you know he wanted to name the band celebutard? now pull your limbs in. people need to walk around here.

evan seinfeld: oh mr. seinfeld, how far the mighty have fallen. i can totally get behind biohazard, and oz was a great show... but i'm really not sure how i feel about a person who claims to be a musician, but whose primary concern seems to be his porn business. so far evan has tried to get danushka in on it, the PR lady, and the vast assortment of breasts and breast attachments he met at various clubs (of both the supposed-to-be-naked and not-supposed-to-be-naked-but-naked-anyway variety.) plus, he thinks he is the most talented one there and even when he appears to be listening humbly to someone else's ideas, you can read the asshole all over him. he knows it will be done his way, or he will walk off.

because he's a giant prick. except not really, because i've seen "reign of tera." not much to be proud of there. (low blow!) (but i'm okay with that) (not really, i'm a good person i swear)

and guess what? the great and powerful oracle "previews" tells me that sure enough, evan walks off.

how is it possible that there is a bigger jerk out there than the nuge? HOW?!?!?!?

either way, this show rules. i haven't had this much fun with television since tawny kitaen.
[aside:]cc deville seems so nice! i want to have him over for pie. do you think he likes pie?[/aside]
oh surreal life, how i miss thee. which just proves my point: vh1 has the best programs this side of dead AND they rerun them in endless cycles so you never need to worry about missing anything.

like purgatory, but without unbaptized babies.


the end



21 Comments:

Blogger briana said...

What is with you metal heads and why do I love you so!

Constance made me stay up until 2am on Sunday night to watch the 3 hour Judas Priest special and History of the Air Guitar with her. We were on a Road Trip for god's sake! In the country! We should have been tipping cows and making out with bikers, but no... we were watching VH1.

Oh well, kiss the goat.

Blogger Inky said...

mmmm Henry Rollins....i saw him once at the market and lurked all around just to glimpse his bad self. mmmm...Henry

Blogger LotusKnits said...

i just fell in love with you all over again miss k.

Blogger jiggs said...

tasty and i were just talking about the nuge. apparently he wants to run for governor of michigan.

Blogger fatwonkkid said...

yeah, this show totally got season passed on my tivo.

sebastian: How lame is it that he has a document on his computer for "cool song titles". I though you write a song, and then derive a title from it. Lame wad.

Evan: his lyrics are totally 80's hair/glam metal. It is pretty lame. I liked how he ridiculed the PR chick, and then later said, 'hey baby, why don't you do PR for my porn company'.

I think if you replace Sebastian and Evan, you might have a functional group. I have a feeling this supergroup is gonna be a train wreck...I can't wait to see it!

Blogger TastyMcJ said...

you....are....so.....cool...................


I think my head may explode. I just can't cope.

Blogger TastyMcJ said...

also, I saw scott ian at a bar on sunset blvd. two years ago.

That's my "I saw someone famous in LA" story.

That was also the first and only night I've ever tried southern comfort.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I completely love that you did this post, even though I have no idea what you are talking about.

Judge me.

Shame me.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I don't know what to say, so I'll just sing a song:

Oh, I wish I were Miss Kendra
Hooray
Hooray
Miss Kendra wears the cutest clothes
And she's got a doggie
Hooray
Hooray
Hooray for my Miss Kendra

Thank you. Feel free to buy a CD on your way out.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you like supergroup and henry rollins, you should check out the henry rollins show which airs on saturday and thursday nights on ifc and there are clips on www.ifc.com

Anonymous Cj said...

What you really need is to see Henry onstage doing his spoken word thing. Funny, charming, sometimes sad, always insightful. I love him!
Otherwise, you could try and get ahold of some of the older stuff. He doesn't just tell the greatest stories, he tells them in a way that draws you in and makes you want to listen.
Did I mention I love him? And now I kinda heart you too..because you understand the perfectness that is Henry Rollins.

Blogger robiewankenobie said...

i like pie.

Blogger jiggs said...

We don't have vh1, but reading this made me want to watch the show. We'll probably download it.

Blogger me said...

reading this made me laugh in my head and a little sleepy.

maybe from the effort.

i will vicariously live through you in regards to vh1. i have three channels.

although when i have access to cable vh1 is the first channel i watch. as takcy as the shows are, they are strangely comforting.

Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

Never seen the show but...

Once saw Pantera/Skid Row perform at the same venue—in that order.

My very first concert (9 years old) was Ted Nugents "Little Miss Dangerous" tour

Saw Anthrax perform on the "Headbanger's Ball" tour.

All of these happened over 14 years ago.

Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Have you also been watching "Heavy"? What an awesome month for metal.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Henry Rollins signed a poster from his book tour "Thanks for an nice evening". I have it posted by my front door so everyone will know I shared a moment with Hank.

More reasons to love him:
--When offered Evian, he asked for something more domestic and chose the Arrowhead.
--He patiently listened to me babble ('cause I do that in the presence of handsomeness) and never once showed that he was annoyed.
--He gave said tour poster to me, even though his assistant, a much cuter and probably younger girl in extremely tight jeans, wanted it. Fans Win!!
--One day in Trader Joe's, he said to his female companion who was reaching for a loaf of bread, "No,no...get the bagette," proving that even though he's badass and could snap you like a winter twig, he's sensitive.

Oh, Henry, thou of cleft chin and inked flesh...how I swoon for you.

Blogger Laurie Ann said...

Oh, and Sebastian Bach had no credibility since he was a regular on Gilmore Girls.

Blogger Sunflowerfairy said...

I loved Henry Rollins but then I read some of his poetry and short stories. I had nightmares, they were that scary.

It wouldn't stop me from drooling on him- I'd just keep one eye open while doing it.

And ask Jiggs if he knows that he looks *just* like that annoying kid from Blossom.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

OHMYGOD. Sooooooooooooooooooo in love with Supergroup. I mean, Sebastian Bach + Scott Ian + The Nuge?! I nearly wet myself when I came across the first episode by accident.

If it were possible to love you more, Miss Kendra, now I do.

Blogger MadMeer said...

OH SURREAL LIFE! How do I love thee. Let me count the ways.

Now THAT is some reality TV I'll watch. It makes me feel so clean and good inside to make fun of washed up actors, wrestlers and rock musicians. Oh, and of course the occasional totally cool guys that make it onto the show for the sole purpose of amplifying the sheer stupidity of the others.

They must have lured The Nuge with meat. "Here boy! Mmmm rattlesnake!"

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