i am tired. very very tired. i did a whole weekend by saturday afternoon, and then did another. because i am so exhausted and mildy depressed (you will soon learn why), i will give you the run down of my weekend in nugget form. because everything is better when it’s processed within an inch of its life, then fried, and also dipped in sweet n’ sour sauce. nuggets: they’re what’s for dinner.
friday night was my holiday party. i wore a black satin top and the sequined pants. there was open bar, and amazing foods (tiny bbq short ribs. mojito shrimp! mmmmm), and girls in shiny bikinis and feather headdresses that shaked their booties for us. next year, i’m weaing that.
as is, many many people have pictures of my shiny bottom, (i hope to procure you some) and also pictures of me chatting up the waiter. will (that’s his name) looked like this (bald version)
and i drowned my sorrows in his dreamy eyes (and about seven martinis brought to me by he of the dreamy eyes) because as i sort of suspected, my crush is Gay. ASIDE: the strange part is that i’m relieved. i really like his company, and i’m not interested in really liking someone right now. i’m not ready coach! so conveniently, i now have a new friend to drag around. and make no mistake, he will be my friend. i’ve already decided and drawn up a schedule and everything. i planned out our whole day. first, we'll make snow angels for two hours, and then we'll go ice skating and then we'll eat a whole roll of tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then, to finish, we'll snuggle.
anyway, the conversation was as follows:
drunken me: my crush is the Gay. so i have decided to transfer all of my affections to you.
waiter will: you might run into the same problem.
drunken me: yeah, i figured. but it’s only one night. you can pretend.
the next day i woke up all dizzy and surprised to be in my own bed. laurieann
and i had some breakfast and then we went to
it was fabulous. we saw over a hundred vendors, including many whose theme seemed to be “conjoined items” and one who sold vagina pillow cases. some will be added to my sidebar over the next weekish (maybe, depending on work) and i might do a more detailed bazaar bizaare post in order to give appropriate props, but here are some awesome pictures from our adventure:
this is a cake. for eating. if it doesn’t burn you alive with its mind first.
my new desk ornament. her name is heathers.
my new painting, "applecorn", part of a series ( acorn
) by the AMAZINGLY clever steph lehman
(cornbeef, people. cornbeef! i love her.), who i think i scared a little with all my crazy talk, and possibly now have scared more by declaring my love on the internets. she had these gloves that one hand had embroided dog poo and the other had an embroidered fly. ha! i love strange crafts, and this place was full of them.
also at bazaar bizaare was the swap-o-rama rama, where i donated a smallish bag of clothing, and left with a hefty bag full of new clothing and fabrics. i’m like an ant- i carry several times my body weight.
and still! there’s more! this post is long and unwieldy like a whale penis.
saturday evening i took amtrak to san diego for sarah smile's
birthday, where we ate good foods and i embarrassed myself in the fancy restaurant by assuming everyone knew as much about creepy fetishes as i do. i met luca brasi (so cute), got some stellar sarah-crafted jammies, and then promptly passed out on the couch. from exhaustion, not crack cocaine or anything like that.
in the morning sarah’s shower abused my delicate nipples with its super kungfu water pressure and i cried until it gave me flowers and promised never to do it again. then sarah and i went to joann’s fabrics, where i pulled so much fabric out that the lady came over and accosted me because she thought i was just making a mess. but no, i really bought it all. thank goodness for 50% off sales. right now my truck is full of fabric and styrofoam heads. don’t ask.
on the train back to LA, a college boy flirted with me. though he was too young, he was reading t.h. white so i let him flirt away. it made me feel good because he wasn’t gay.
the cherry on the top of my weekend was a little holiday gathering of my friends, where I disbursed my holiday goodness and we ate chicken and hummus and fig newtons. it was delightful, and if not for having to unpack and shower and work and get my whole damn life in order so i can go on vacation worry-free at the end of the week, i might have stayed forever.
if you made it this far, i applaud you, and reward you with this:
saturday marked the very first of many future juliusaversaries, and in honor of his glorious orangeness, and my undying and somewhat creepy love for him, i give you jooooooooolius! the most esteemed rabbi julius boon, phd.