i am here!

my trip was delightful, with details to follow. i got back to california safely, although i seem to have picked up a little viral stowaway on the plane somewhere.

good thing i'm puking alot, so he should be gone soonish.

talk to you then, or maybe sooner if i can find a bucket.

auf wiedersehen

i googled that for the spelling as "auvwedersen." google is so smart.

here is something that has been bothering me all week: there is an abandoned shopping cart full of cans and other assorted tchotchkes on the side of the road. i drive by it every morning on my way to work and am very concerned about its owner's whereabouts. no one just leaves a cart like that. it's prime bum merchandise! also, the road is a busy one, with no sidewalks. just endless wetlands and tall reeds. my imagination is running wild. this is like how everytime i pass a plastic bag on the side of the road or freeway i wonder if maybe there are puppies inside.

tomorrow morning i must be at the airport by 5:30 am. yes, 5:30 AM. i am going to massachusetts for my first visit in nearly two years! i'm pretty sure i'll get hopelessly lost at some point, and i might wither into a raisin-like version of my self without the constant affirming love of my kitties, and my online presence will be intermittent for the next week, but please know that i continue to hold you all in my heart and mind, and also watch you on my tiny spycam.

jiggs casey, please stop that. it's ruining my dinner.

the longest weekend makes for the crappiest post

i am tired. very very tired. i did a whole weekend by saturday afternoon, and then did another. because i am so exhausted and mildy depressed (you will soon learn why), i will give you the run down of my weekend in nugget form. because everything is better when it’s processed within an inch of its life, then fried, and also dipped in sweet n’ sour sauce. nuggets: they’re what’s for dinner.

friday night was my holiday party. i wore a black satin top and the sequined pants. there was open bar, and amazing foods (tiny bbq short ribs. mojito shrimp! mmmmm), and girls in shiny bikinis and feather headdresses that shaked their booties for us. next year, i’m weaing that.

as is, many many people have pictures of my shiny bottom, (i hope to procure you some) and also pictures of me chatting up the waiter. will (that’s his name) looked like this (bald version) and i drowned my sorrows in his dreamy eyes (and about seven martinis brought to me by he of the dreamy eyes) because as i sort of suspected, my crush is Gay. ASIDE: the strange part is that i’m relieved. i really like his company, and i’m not interested in really liking someone right now. i’m not ready coach! so conveniently, i now have a new friend to drag around. and make no mistake, he will be my friend. i’ve already decided and drawn up a schedule and everything. i planned out our whole day. first, we'll make snow angels for two hours, and then we'll go ice skating and then we'll eat a whole roll of tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then, to finish, we'll snuggle.

anyway, the conversation was as follows:

drunken me: my crush is the Gay. so i have decided to transfer all of my affections to you.
waiter will: you might run into the same problem.
drunken me: yeah, i figured. but it’s only one night. you can pretend.

the next day i woke up all dizzy and surprised to be in my own bed. laurieann and i had some breakfast and then we went to



it was fabulous. we saw over a hundred vendors, including many whose theme seemed to be “conjoined items” and one who sold vagina pillow cases. some will be added to my sidebar over the next weekish (maybe, depending on work) and i might do a more detailed bazaar bizaare post in order to give appropriate props, but here are some awesome pictures from our adventure:


this is a cake. for eating. if it doesn’t burn you alive with its mind first.


my new desk ornament. her name is heathers.



my new painting, "applecorn", part of a series ( acorn, popcorn, cornbeef!) by the AMAZINGLY clever steph lehman (cornbeef, people. cornbeef! i love her.), who i think i scared a little with all my crazy talk, and possibly now have scared more by declaring my love on the internets. she had these gloves that one hand had embroided dog poo and the other had an embroidered fly. ha! i love strange crafts, and this place was full of them.

also at bazaar bizaare was the swap-o-rama rama, where i donated a smallish bag of clothing, and left with a hefty bag full of new clothing and fabrics. i’m like an ant- i carry several times my body weight.

and still! there’s more! this post is long and unwieldy like a whale penis.

saturday evening i took amtrak to san diego for sarah smile's birthday, where we ate good foods and i embarrassed myself in the fancy restaurant by assuming everyone knew as much about creepy fetishes as i do. i met luca brasi (so cute), got some stellar sarah-crafted jammies, and then promptly passed out on the couch. from exhaustion, not crack cocaine or anything like that.

in the morning sarah’s shower abused my delicate nipples with its super kungfu water pressure and i cried until it gave me flowers and promised never to do it again. then sarah and i went to joann’s fabrics, where i pulled so much fabric out that the lady came over and accosted me because she thought i was just making a mess. but no, i really bought it all. thank goodness for 50% off sales. right now my truck is full of fabric and styrofoam heads. don’t ask.

on the train back to LA, a college boy flirted with me. though he was too young, he was reading t.h. white so i let him flirt away. it made me feel good because he wasn’t gay.

the cherry on the top of my weekend was a little holiday gathering of my friends, where I disbursed my holiday goodness and we ate chicken and hummus and fig newtons. it was delightful, and if not for having to unpack and shower and work and get my whole damn life in order so i can go on vacation worry-free at the end of the week, i might have stayed forever.

if you made it this far, i applaud you, and reward you with this:

saturday marked the very first of many future juliusaversaries, and in honor of his glorious orangeness, and my undying and somewhat creepy love for him, i give you jooooooooolius! the most esteemed rabbi julius boon, phd.

won't you be my neighbor?

last night was supposed to be perfect. exBoy had his holiday party after work, and thus the apartment was gloriously empty. mine! all mine! my excitement was so great, i drew up an agenda:



i left work early to insure best use of my time, and it was going quite well for a while. i did all my chores and ate my delicious burrito and pranced about and then practiced my acceptance speech for the professional prancer awards. i may have done some naked mirror dancing (i may not) and it may have been highly interpretive of my abuse of the cable box’s “on demand karaoke" features.

then i decided to color my hair, so it would be fresh and bright for the holidays.

this is where things went wrong. nakedly wrong.

i applied the hairdye as i usually do, which is to say i shmooshed it all over my head with much vim and vigor. i even do my eyebrows, because nobody likes a girl with non-matchy eyebrows. since i am so thorough, sometimes i end up with dye in my ears or on my chin or whatever but i just scrub at it a bit with dye remover and all is well.

just a bit later, safely in the shower and in the throes of my intensive scrubbing process, the smoke alarm went off for no reason. and then the dog started whining, his poor doggie ears. and then the cats- the siamese leonard nimoy cat especially- started running back and forth, meowing loudly and with impressive dramatic delivery.

the combination of sounds was deafening.

i jumped from the shower and tried to pull the detector from the wall but it was just beyond my grasp. moments seemed like incredibly painful hours as i grabbed the nearest thing to boost myself and fumbled with the battery. i finally got the damn thing out and it fell to the floor… and yet the detector kept beeping. i pressed buttons. still beeping. i pulled wires. still beeping. i screamed, “shut up you filthy gutterwhore!” and still! it was beeping!

i looked around desperately but there was no one to help. pickles was hiding and the cats continued their cross-apartment operatic tour. i stood there listening to it all and I panicked.

i grabbed a towel and ran for the door.

i knocked at the building manager’s door but no one was home, so i went to the only apartment with a light on: the middle-aged dorky guy with the roommate i’ve never seen and the single strand of red christmas lights above the door. really, what’s the point there? it looks more like the door to a brothel than a joyous celebration of the season. but beggars can’t be choosers, and cold, wet, undressed beggars especially.

i stood there nervously waiting for him to answer, wondering what he might say (it puts the lotion on its skin? what’s your favorite scary movie?) and holding my towel closed and trying not to drip half-rinsed hair water on anything, and just as the door opened the beeping stopped.

so i casually explained the situation and apologized for bothering him since the problem seemed to have resolved itself, and he looked at me and looked at me some more and so i adjusted the towel just a bit for coverage and he said, “do you want me to look it up on the internet? because you should probably go back inside before you catch a chill.”

then i blushed a little (nakedly) and thanked him (nakedly) and went home to finish my shower, after which i did eat mangos (nakedly) and knit (nakedly) and dwell in my neighbor’s mind nakedly forever.

wonder of wonders!

miracle of miracles! broke up with Boy (thank god) and then-
wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, fit into my jeans again!

that’s right, children. we are experiencing our second christmas miracle of the season. one more, and i'm ready for canonization. first was the enchanted silver shoes that-- despite being a measly size nine-- fit comfortably on my oversized hagrid feet. BUT! even more impressive than that… the second miracle: today i have been restored to my full luster. i am polished and sparkling like new, breathtaking and resplendent in my numinous glory, for i am wearing the Hot Ass Jeans.

these jeans are astonishing. they give me the illusion of a fine booty where, truthfully speaking, there is but a mediocre one. i paid a whole lot of money for those jeans based solely on their tremendous repertoire of ass magic. sadly, over the last year (and in direct correlation with the snowball-like decline of my relationship), i grew somewhat larger and so the jeans were relegated to the depths of my diy-assembly particleboard armoire, never to be seen again.

UNTIL… this very day, as i dressed for work and mused aloud how nice it would be to have jeans of such caliber once again, and then removed them lovingly from their place of rest at the bottom of the pants pile, and was heartened by the feel of their soft denim in my hands and so timidly slipped one leg on just to see… then LO! by your powers combined, (earth! fire! wind! water! heart!!!!!!) i am captain planet!

you know, if captain planet were totally cute and single and up for parading his sweet behind all about town. and it’s ok if he is. i don’t judge.

i'm eating oatmeal

it's my lunch, and it's delicious.

now as if i weren't paranoid already, about say, how much time leonard nimoy spends in the window* (among other things), now there's this.

*white cats with pink skin are prone to skin cancers (particularly in the nose and ears). he is indoors only, so his risk is less, but i'm still tempted to tint all of my windows for his saftey, as it would break my heart if his soft pink belly were harmed in any way. i just reread that and i think we can all agree that i need to seek professional help pretty much immediately.

and a meme, a la this fish and subsequently, brookelina:

things i have learned from my relationships with men.

well, this is harder than it seems. my instincts are to include things like, "someone who is a jerk to others will eventually be a jerk to you as well," or, "when he urges me to stand up for myself and assumes i will only do so in situations that don't involve him, i should kick him hard and run."

of course there have been a few positive things, like reverse cowgirl, but mostly i can sum it up in one statement:

1. i am glad i didn't marry any of them.

the end.

engage!*

this morning i put on my lucky socks and they had a hole in them. then i got to work and my favorite fish in our tank (the puffer) was dead. had these two things occurred in anyone else’s life, we could safely assume they were unrelated, but since this is me, i feel i must say sorry, fishie. my stupid socks killed you.

in other news, holiday goodness has commenced!

all gifts have been shipped, unless they are being handed off (and you know who you are.) some were sent via fedex, and those should arrive within 4-7 days. some were sent airmail to canadia, and those should also arrive in 4-7 days. the majority were sent priority mail, and so those should be in your paws by monday at the latest. a select few are being delivered via pony express, and one is actually a portkey. like i’ve said, i’m very crafty.

thank you so so so so much to those of you who have donated to the very official holiday goodness disbursement fund. your kindness knows no bounds, and you should know that i love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. you should also know i’m listening to k-earth 101. those of you who have not yet donated can still earn my undying affections via the button in the post here.

but you should by no means feel guilty if you are not able to donate, because, hello? i'm poor, so if anyone understands, it's me.

and if you weren’t on the list this year, pay closer attention when i ask who wants goodness next year. because next year, instead of cvs giftcards, i’m doing coupons for little debbie cakes or maybe pickles. i’m not sure yet. maybe both.

since i cannot be there in person to witness your joy, i have inserted tiny spy cams into each gift. the feeds go directly to my computer. people sometimes lie and say they like things, but really don't. so i want to see your cute little faces. the only reason i'm warning you is because while i want to see your most visceral reaction, i do not want to see your naked parts. so WARNING: do not open sans pants.

please let me know when your goodness arrives, so i can watch the momentous event. also, so i do not die of worry, and you know the worrying has already begun.

*i am a dork.

i feel crappy about this

i really feel like a shithead for it, but i have created this handy little button so that those who are interested can donate to



in order to defray some shipping costs. i regret having to do it, because how lame is this? but i just discovered i owe the doctor $300 for my procedure (obviously actually having the procedure wasn't pleasurable enough.) anyway, if you feel like it, go ahead. i think up to 4 dollars is a perfectly delightful donation. i don't know why there are all the spaces down there before the button, but i'm too busy to investigate it further. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go sell some organs on ebay.