idle hands are the devil's workshop...

...but idle feet make me awfully productive. i guess when you're not doing pesky things like walking (which, incidentally, i gave up for lent. because i am devout like that.) you can do lots of other things, like knit and sew and glue shiny rhinestones on EVERYTHING.

so that's what i've been doing. while on drugs. which is just as fun as it sounds, i promise.

here are some baby gift sets i've made in the last month, with the top two being finished over this past weekend. obviously walking is stupid and time-consuming, as it has clearly been hindering their completion. thus i do not miss walking at all. nope. not. at. all.




and here, as promised, are some pictures of my "injury accessories." the stock options were embarassing, so i had to pimp my ride as it were. initially i used your basic crafting rhinestones, but i soon realized that they were not nearly as resplendent as i needed them to be. so ariel took me downtown to the crystal store, where i will be moving in, to live forever, happily amongst the beautiousness.

they are so beautiful i want to fill a bathtub with rhinestones and climb in. i want to glue them in swirls all over my body and then suspend myself from the ceiling. i want to line them up in perfect sparkly rows and snort them in ways that would make hollywood proud.

well, it was nice while it lasted

i was accident free for a while there, wasn't i?

i mean, i can't even remember the last time i bitched about falling down the stairs or accidentally burning myself in remarkably geographical patterns. but then last night, things went awry. in which statement "things" means "ankle bones" and "awry" means "akimbo."

that's right. i broke my ankle. not boney protrusion broken, but i have a cast and crutches and all that. yay me! soon they will both be rhinestoned, but first i must find more vicodin.

what happened you say? well, i'm going to have to go with ninjas. zombie ninjas. zombie ninjas with laser guns.

thank yous to sachi for a well timed gift that met me at home post-emergency room, and to one point of my lovely faux lesbian triad, miss ariel for taking me to the ortho at the hairy butt crack of dawn this morning.

drugged up posting to follow, i'm sure!

i left my toothbrush in san francisco

seriously, i did. and i left my spare one in massachusetts over the holidays, so pretty much the next thing i do should be to get to ye olde oral hygiene shoppe.

instead, i brought home a breadmaker, a george foreman grill, two pairs of clearance steve madden shoes ($20 a pair. that's a minor miracle), some really awesome books from abandoned planet book store, where they have an incredibly sweet and handsome store cat, and about 3475628374 extra pounds from all the eatin' and boozin'. it was glorious.

there's some video up over at jigg's place of me as a science girl on friday. i look all pasty white and bloated like risen dough. that's not even the science part! i do have on sexy pants though. also, i'm not talking much because i had possibly ingested a few martinis by that point (also not the science part) and so everything that came out of my mouth was highly inappropriate. by which i must mean more than usual.

now here's where i start to lie. some of the stuff below is true, some of it is false. only the parties involved will ever know.

i saw a minimum of 10 pairs of naked boobs.
i was faux-humped by a paris hilton look-a-like.
i undressed in a public venue, a living room, and a dining room.
i ate at betelnut, as i was powerful hungry.
a bug crawled in my shirt.
i saw the actual dick of a chick with one.
i taught a boy to twirl.
i took a pill without knowing what it was and spent an evening in lala land.
i kissed a girl named zoe. she was real pretty like.

i am the next governor

last night i met kitten deville. this was better than any sex i'll have all year. i need to get the thrill of it out of my system so i can go on with the rest of my (all-downhill-from-here) life. le sigh. i am back to reality.

since i just got a raise/promotion, a office-wide email went out today to spread the good news. email alerts: like tiny electronic jehovahs, they relentlessly announce the coming of the good word. anyway, my office likes to include a picture of the person in question when making proclamations, and since the picture they took of me was fairly terrible, i supplied my own.



i think this will let people know i mean business when i tell them i need their production costs, and i need then right now, sarah conner. right now.

assorted phrases from the weekend

“there are a lot of trannies here tonight. i mean, more than usual.”

“we’re all lesbians.”

“pedophilia is the new black.”

“oh, you mean qui-gon jinn.”

“if you make out with me, we could each make fifty bucks.”

“your friend just put his head on my boobs.”

“he looks totally gay, but were he actively gay, i can only assume his butt wouldn’t be as hairy. i did not buy his buttcrack.”

_______ is beautiful

business matters: in addition to a miniature pony, i also desire a giant rabbit.



someone needs to contact this guy and begin trade negotiations on my behalf.

there is a dangerous intersection i drive through every day on my way to work. in the center of a lane division is a sign, (probably the speed limit and that’s why i can’t remember what it says), but earlier this week someone put up his/her own sign, and it fills me with hope and curious wonder.

dramatization

who put it there? and how? did you not see that this is a dangerous intersection? for whom was it intended? did the intended see?

i delight in it no matter.

now.

remember when i confessed to you how i adore the fatness? well, things are going according to plan. maybe a little too well actually, as leonard nimoy has been increasing himself at an alarming rate. he’s been with me since september, which means that it has taken a mere four months for his weight to go up a whopping 140%. one hundred and forty is a lot of percents. and as much as i love the soft pink belly, that is seriously appalling. i hope to present you with the culpatory photographic evidence in the morning.

here’s the problem. how do i keep him from eating all the goddamned food? if it were just him, i could monitor it better, but julius needs access to food too! except nimoy eats it all. nothing stops him! he even eats the dog’s food if it isn’t finished in a timely manner. he’s become corpulent, lounging about all day like an ancient greek, just eating as much and as often as he wishes and then waiting for me to get home and rub his chubby body till it rumbles with pleasure. i am a slave to his insatiable appetites for food and sweet sweet human lovin'. woe is me.

accidents happen

so lots of things are happening, and i don’t just mean in my pants. oooooh, that’s right. i said that. seriously though, there’s nothing going on in my pants. unless you count my cute undies. they have sparkles. green sparkles!!!

first, i should tell you that i got a raise. that’s pretty much what enables all the recklessness below. that and me selling my ovaries on ebay. little kendras for everyone! wooooooooo!

i have developed an addiction to turkey bacon. it’s quite serious, and i’m a little worried for my safety. what will i do when i run out??? it could be anything.

the other day i went to buy spirit gum (for to apply my shiny new sequined pasties, which i made last week on my sick day) and i accidentally bought a wig. it kind of took me by surprise- one minute i was standing there in my regular hair, and the next i was handing over my creditcard. i think i was roofied. anyway, it’s totally sexy and i think i might start wearing it all the time. with my pasties. because they rule.

whilst we are discussing the pasties, you should know i have chosen a burlesque name and debut performance. here is where you come in: i need knitters. i need to knit a certain very important piece of my costume, which i of course can do, BUT… i need probably 20 of them. it’s a cheap, quick knit… i believe you’ll need two caron’s one pounds and size 15 24” circs. i will reimburse for yarn if it’s a concern… anyway, let me know if you’re interested. when i have a completed costume (which i will then be taking off) i will post pictures, and debut my persona here. you want to be around for that, knitting or no. do not mess with the burlesque broad. she will cut you. paper cut you!

someone help me.

anyway, besides the evolution-paced construction of my costume (we’re not even close to walking upright), and the continued dance classes i want to finish before i debut- you know, to insure the ass-shaking is executed properly- there’s also a little matter of completing my ginormous tattoo. i’m not going out there like a half finished coloring book. so part of my new year’s resolutions (Year of Me, wooooooo!) was to finish the damn thing. because burlesque is not as sexy when i am holding my hand over my side tightly, as if my routine is a duel wherein i have just been shot. go on. just go- it’s all over- they got me. and scene.

so i’ve been going pretty regularly for work on my ginormous tattoo, and it’s coming along rather nicely. sneak preview i went on saturday though, and jay thought maybe we should take a little break from it for a week. but i was already there. so what was i to do? jay is in the valley. the VALLEY. i was not just turning around and going home.

which is how i accidentally got a new tattoo. one minute i was standing there all innocent like, with only (counting) nine tattoos, and the next i had taken a giant leap towards tattooedladydom. i was probably roofied. at least it’s not of turkey bacon.